Wednesday, February 04, 2009

My Uterus is Empty

Well, I've had a lot on my mind lately. A LOT! And because of my worry-wart nature, it has made my mind spiral out of control with many different scenarios, has kept me up at night and has made me feel nauseous, which really led me to believe I was pregnant - that and not getting my period for almost three months.

Normally, I'd be over the moon if I was pregnant... We really would like to have another baby soon, but there are a few circumstances right now that would have made it a difficult, though not impossible, situation.

1. I'd be due around September.
2. It would be considered a high-risk pregnancy (which it will be, regardless of when I get pregnant next).
3. We're packing up all of our belongings 2 months before I would be due.
4. We will be homeless and traveling to visit family for July and flying internationally quite a bit.
5. I'd have to email my future employer, one I've signed a contract with to say, that I'm going to need time off and/or I may not be able to travel until after the baby is born, even though I already have a contractual agreement with them to start teaching in August.
6. Insurance? I don't know. I'm not even sure if our health insurance coverage overlaps (I really need to check this one).

In my head, I had written my letter to my future boss. And to our friends who really rooted for us to get this job, one of which I'll be "sort of" working for.

And thought of the possibilities of what I would do if I was pregnant:
  • Max and I would stay with my mom until I had the baby, then join John in Japan later.
  • I'd go to Japan, big fat and pregnant, find a new doctor, hoping my water wouldn't break on the long flight
  • I'd constantly think I was putting this baby at risk because I was moving and adding extra stress on him/her.
  • There are more scenarios, but I won't bore you with my neuroses.
Anyhow, it turns out I am not pregnant. It's just the birth control I am currently using and my body is trying to get used to it.

I almost broke out into tears when I saw a pregnant lady in the doctor's office parking lot. I want to be happy and not stressed due to us moving to Japan.

I then almost cried when I was about to get on the table to get an ultra sound.
The moment of truth

And then, I almost cried when I went back into the bathroom to change and looked at myself in the mirror. Relief.

But, I would have also cried if Dr. Arce had said, "Julie, you're pregnant" and I saw that gummy bear in my uterus. Cried with joy.

So today, midday - I celebrated over a beer and nachos at Chili's. I feel bad "celebrating" this, but this would have been really bad timing (right, Jon)? Really, John said that I need to chill and deal with situations when they happen, not get all worked up about them before they are really real. He is right, but it's in my blood. I wish I could just "chill" about certain things rather than keep myself up at night thinking about all the "what ifs". But that's what I married him for... he's my calm, cool, collected other half (except when it comes to cleaning the house!)


Welbes said...

I am happy and sad that you are not pregnant.

I look forward to full on Japanese pregnancy in the future.

Julie said...

Full-on meaning I can get big and fat and you'll run around behind my toddler?
I just want a full-term healthy baby (in Japan)!